In order for this date to go well, we’re gonna to need to get a few things straight.
We’re gonna need to take things slow, and then fast and then slow and slower and later we’re gonna need to get Arby’s. And for this date to go well, you’re gonna need to like Arby’s and you’re gonna need to not just be saying that.
-It seems like you’re just saying that.
For this date to go really well, you’re gonna need to like thin-not totally grown in-mustaches. And you’re gonna need to notice mine but not draw too much attention to it, just give it glances…just lustful wanton glances…
Also, you’re going to need to like hard kissing and Starburst jelly beans…because soon enough, that mouth’s gonna be comin’ into contact with a whole lotta both.
I hope that you don’t know that much about The Simpsons but I also hope that you eagerly want to know a lot.
Because I can totally bring that to the table.
I’m a good listener in the way that I will appear like I’m listening but actually I will be thinking about The Simpsons, but only seasons 1-10.
You’re gonna need to bring money.
For both of us.
I’m gonna be hungry,
Also for this date to go well, you’re gonna need to like the kind of dancing that doesn’t look like it’s good dancing but just kind of swaying and not really making an effort. But you’re going to need to really think that in fact that is the best way to dance and it’s much better than all the dancing that those guys over there are doing. And then after some drinks, you’re gonna need to like overly confident interesting dances that I make up for both of us to do…and they’re gonna be sexy.
Do you like jokes? Cause there’s gonna be a period where a whole lot of them will be comin’ at ya.
There’s also going to be a period where I talk about Bigfoot…And it’s probably going to get intense and emotional. I can’t stress how paramount it will be to this date going well, that you stay fully invested in the Bigfoot section of our evening.
Like tickling? Get ready.
And quoting things? Do you feel that it is not, in fact, stupid and boorish but instead commanding and just silly enough to be cravenly sexy?
And to be clear, we’re both on the same page that Dan’s post punk hardcore band in high school wasn’t as good as my post punk hardcore band in highschool, right? Everyone knows it, anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar.
Also, even if I work from home, Springsteen is still the boss.
Cheese is great except for Ricotta which is total horse shit.
Dogs like me more than they like everyone else, also tacos and spaghetti are the best foods of all the foods.
Did I say that money one yet? That one’s important.