So yesterday at work I was kind of tired because the night before me and my friend had gone to get a shift drink at this bar after we were done and then I’d inadvertently gotten kind of drunk and spent money stupidly. When I woke up the next day I had a tiny hangover and couldn’t get back to bed and so I stayed up and didn’t sleep very much at all.
I went to work at 3:30 and everyone kept asking me if I was “ready” and rolling their eyes even more than usual and in my head I was like “ready for what? to work and junk? I guess…” And I didn’t think that much about it because it was just another day at the salt mines to me, even though they were playing The Dark Crystal in Stevens Square Park and I wanted to go to it a lot but wouldn’t be able to. Also I felt guilty and was mad at myself because even though I’d gotten up early and hungover I hadn’t done anything before work and that always ruins my day.
When I clocked in there was this private party of people who work for the Vikings football team and they were all lawn bowling and drinking Miller Lite in these 16 ounce retro-futurist cans with caps on top and they had a big cooler that they were getting them out of, which means that they must have paid to bring their own Miller Lite since our bar doesn’t have Miller. So some person, in charge of that party had to have been like,
“You jagoffs don’t have Miller Lite!? Well we’ll have to pay to bring in our own and drink that, since it’s the best beer in the universe and none of the other beers you guys carry cut the mustard!”
So that’s funny to me, but doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Anyway, about an hour into work I was waiting to bring five Blue Moons to five different 250 pound business men (business men love Blue Moon a crapload) and I was thinking about all the funny ways I could mock them if I wasn’t dependent on them for my own livelihood, when my manager, whose a lot like Al Pacino in “Heat” came up and reminded everyone who could hear that once the event started, there were five dollar cans of Sophia Coppola sparkling white wine, which are these little cans of champagne-y drink that come with a straw attached to the side, and are like Capri-Sun for adults.
So then I was all like “what event?” but I only said it to myself because all the managers and co-workers are super sarcastic and jaded because of the nature of our jobs at, what is essentially, a fun drinking factory, so they pounce on any sign of weakness or ineptitude and mock the fucking bejeezus out of it. But I did a bit of investigating and saw this flyer for yoga on our lawn bowling green and remembered that this crazy drinking Yoga thing was happening at 7 pm and then it made sense that there were a lot of athletic women in tights and new age looking guys mulling around the deck and it made sense that there were like a hundred creepy looking guys parking up to the line of the lawn and getting ready for the show.
The people who put on the yoga are probably really great and yoga seems pretty cool and at first I thought that the name of the guy putting on the yoga, the yogi, was lululemon which would have been AWESOME but actually that’s the studio I think and the guys name is “Jerk,” which is pretty silly and cool too and it was a funny little thing altogether because the entire time they were doing yoga their was this like cool, hip, dj spinning dance and hip hop music while Jerk motivated the group and so it almost sounded like that Baz Luhrmann song “Everybody’s Free,” but not as good because that song is great.
And then at one point the dj was spinning the instrumental from Old Dirty Bastard’s “Got Your Money” and I wanted them to break out into some sort of filthy orchestrated flash mob thing and it was hard to take the Yoga seriously anymore because I kept thinking “You can call me Dirty, and then lift up your skirt.” And then I remembered how great the ODB video is because Wu Tang loves old kung fu and blaxploitation films so it’s like ODB dancing cut up with all these clips from Dolemite and then I didn’t pay attention to work or yoga at all and just thought about that video…
So there were all these guys, husbands and gawkers and such, watching all the women bend into “downward dog” and stuff, and there were some guys in the group too and some of them just wore regular athletic shorts while they posed but others had these really hardcore yoga shorts and onesie things on and you could see the outline of their wiener through the fabric. I wonder if that’s something they took into account upon purchase like,
“My wiener looks really good in this one!” and then their friend was like,
“god your weiner looks so great in that, you should get it, you have to, if you didn’t get it you’d be doing your wiener an injustice.”
And I hope it’s like that because I feel like I would want my wiener to just POP in my yoga onesie, but I’m kinda vain so maybe that’s just me…
After Yoga was over, the bar exploded with craziness because everyone wanted to drink at once because they were proud of themselves for their yoga, so it was hard to move and then this convention of Best Buy people collided with this other convention of people who take elementary school photos (elementary school picture people drink a shit ton!) and so the rest of the night was just a big mess of drunky spandex flirty convention lust.
At one point though, a lot of my customers and stuff were all atwitter, and started asking about whether I knew why Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend was at the bar. And then I said I didn’t know that much about Kim Kardashian so I wasn’t sure and then they said,
“Well he’s a professional basketball player and his name is Kris Humphries.”
And then I had to swallow hard and say that I didn’t know that much about basketball either but I thought it was fun for them to get to see someone who is famous. I think they thought I was being patronizing though, but I wasn’t, I just really didn’t know about this Humphries guy at all so I had nothing to say.
Eventually though, this one guy stood up and I saw that he must be an athlete because he was massively tall and as he made his way off the deck, everyone kind of hushed and I was walking by with several more Blue Moons for totally tough big pro business guys and it was hilarious because he had like two or three other people with him that didn’t fit the archetype of Pro Basketball friends so maybe they were family members or childhood chums, but that made me like him a lot more and this one pudgy kid who was with him, following was kinda drunk and he was laughing as they left and then he yelled
“That’s right bitches, doing it!”
Or something like that and I think he must have felt like a million bucks and that Humphries-guy just smiled and laughed good-natured and as I passed I was smiling too because the little guys excitement was enduring, and for a second I thought about just tipping all the beers on ol’ Humphries Mcgee to see what a Kris Humphries-punch feels like, since I’ve never been in a fight, but that would have been a dick move especially since he was nice to lil pudgeface guy, so I didn’t.