Fuck people who don’t drink very much but say they do.
I am cool with lots of people who don’t drink. I am cool with Muslims, and former alcoholics. I am cool with people who will smoke crack if they start drinking again.
Don’t Drink! Former crackheads! Christ!
I am cool with people who are allergic and I am cool with Asians (they cant help it, it’s chemical) and I’m cool with Hasidic Jews and women who are preggers and the elderly (although I like it when they are a little drunk) and Rastafarians and all sorts of religious folk who just plain hate fun.
Who I don’t like are those people who “drink.” Yeah, lets call it “drinking” cause it sure ain’t DRINKING or even Drinking. It can only be called “drinking.” In fact, if there was something lower than lowercase it would be better to use that: like Aphex Twin-base-case, or Daniel Radcliffe sperm-count case. Ya know something really low. What we need is some kind of lower case that’s so low it’s equivalent to Tara Reid’s voice. Yeah that’s it Tara Reid-voice-case that’s the case these people have to use for “drinking,” That’s their case, so note it you fuckers.
(By the way Tara Reid DRINKS, just to be clear, and I respect her for that.)
So anyway, these people who get my goat are the people who “drink.” And again, let’s be clear: I have no problem with people who only drink casually and don’t profess to drink as a passion. I am fine with those professional types. I take offense instead to these people who say they “love drinking,” and “live for the party” and they “stay up all night” and are “down for whatever,” but they are never actually really drunk. Even if they say they are, and they will, they’re really just hovering below the bar not even a bit inebriated. What the hell is that crap? It should be illegal, but I checked and it isn’t.
It’s not illegal to pretend you’re hardcore even though you aren’t.
It’s just pussy.
And you know, sometimes, sometimes it’s clear to regular good old fashioned shit-faced people that there is something off about these “drinkers,” and you want to scream and do that Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit but if you out them they will be mean and clever and their intellect will be sharper than yours because they aren’t blotto.
Goddamn those fucks.
Why are they even alive? Life without passionate deplorable reprehensible drunk embarrassment is just selfish and vain. You’re weirding everyone else out by not making an ass of yourself sometimes! Damn you! Have the conviction to get shitty once in a while. Make a couple of bad decisions, get self-conscious, it’ll do ya some good.
You know who else hated “drinkers”? Hemingway. Hemingway hated people who couldn’t drink. But don’t worry this isn’t gonna’ be some-suck the legend of Hemingway’s dick-hour either. He was an asshole and definitely had some crazy masculinity issues, what with all that hunting and boxing and marrying and head-blowing off, but damn, boy could write, god bless-em. There is even a part in The Sun Also Rises where Hemingway (yeah I said it. Let’s be practical, the main character is ALWAYS Ernest. Except in “Old Man” in that one he’s a shark I think.) Anyway Hemingway outs one of these slimy little ‘drinkers” and asks why he’s not “tight” (great 1920s way of saying drunk) and as a result he gets a punch in the face.
That’s what these bottom-fish will resort to, punching.
They probably have really good aim too, cause they are coordinated and such. Clever bastards.
Lets be clear yet again:
People who don’t drink=Adorable
People who drink with dinner or just to be polite=Fine, sort of a waste but whatever.
People who DRINK and/or Drink=Delightful.
People who say they Drink but only “drink” and then hover around and take advantage of your good time=Shit-filled explosion of hate and disgust! Fuckoff you deer ticks!
Here are some ways to pick out parasitic non-Drinking “drinkers” pretending to be down.
- “drinkers” are always looking good in pictures. Not exactly like they are posing, but like they are very aware of what is going on in the room, and know that photos are being taken, and want to be nonchalant but still attractive. Don’t get me wrong, Drinkers can look good in pictures too, but it is usually when they are posing and it is usually one out of twenty-five takes, where in the others they looked fucking red-faced and crazy-eyed and ponchy and well…drunk.
- “drinkers” never go to the bathroom. They aren’t taking in very much liquid so they don’t have to. If someone isn’t going to the bathroom very often, they may be “drinking.” Out them and start a fight.
- “drinkers” don’t think everything you are saying is funny.
- “drinkers” don’t want to share in stories from other times when you were DRUNK. And they have no good stories of their own because their life is an emotionless shell of half-experiences.
- If you play bad rap music or nostalgic pop songs that have a certain valor when inebriated, a “drinker” will immediately question your choice. This is a good test. Put on something bad. “Juvenile” or “Savage Garden” are good starting points. See who seems turned off when you tell them to “back that ass up”, stab them.
- Do your friends remember what time things happened last night when you were shit-faced? Ask yourself WHY THE HELL DO THEY REMEMBER ALL THAT? Test them, say “ Man I can’t believe we stayed at Kissingers until barclose” bating them in. The correct response to this is “We went to Kissingers?” Anything else deserves a swift harpoon through the neck.
- Any situation involving swimming, sledding, kissing, sliding, throwing, breaking glass, fire, running around in circles, the old in-and-out, slapping, or contests of strength and endurance, is very appealing to Drinkers. Is this appealing to your friends? Are you sure?
- After some heavy drinking is one of your friends up for an event-filled super fun day filled with activities? If they are, they aren’t a Drinker. Shoot them with a bow and arrow. Their blood is useful in spells. Collect it and mix it with brandy. Wait for the full moon.
*Here’s another way to find people who aren’t drinking as much as they should be. Put roofies in a round of shots. Then yell to everyone “free shots!” and put them on the table. Propose a toast and get everyone who is Drinking to take one. “drinkers” will hang around the shots to fool all the real people around, but they probably wont take one, especially if it’s something fun like Tequila.
“drinkers” hate fun, it’s like kryptonite to them, they can’t handle it.
So after 30 minutes, when everyone is floored from the tequila and roofies, watch to see who’s still lucid. This will be hard because you will undoubtedly have taken roofies as well, being the proud Drinker you are. That bastard still walking around is a “drinker!” Remember who they are! Check your anus when you wake up, they were the only one awake, and I wouldn’t put it past ‘em. If you can get a “drinker” on some kind of stiff criminal charge, all the better. Otherwise, accuse him of roofying the shots, alienate the shit out of that little piss ant, and get ‘em thrown in the slammer. They won’t care, there’s no drinking in prison. It’s like club med to them. And you’ll come home a hero, a better Drinker for it.